How to make a phone call from “Microsoft”

Step 1: Establish trust
Reassure the person you’ve phoned by saying that you’re calling from Microsoft and that you’re Microsoft Certified

Step 2: Introduce a problem
Make them a little nervous by saying that, as you’re calling from Microsoft, because of the “international routing” you can tell their computer is infected with “malacious” viruses. Explain that you’ve been receiving error reports from “the computer” at this phone number and that it is urgent that you fix it.

Step 3: Panic
Scare the crap out of the person you’ve called by getting the user to navigate to C:\Windows\inf . Explain that “inf” stands for infected, and that these are viruses. Exclaim in horror that, as it has so many files and folders in there, this machine is badly infected.

Step 4: Save the day
Start to sound reassuring by reminding the person that you’re Microsoft certified and can fix it.

Step 5:
Get them to visit your website, but avoid mentioning “Internet” by getting them to type in into the Run dialog from WindowsKey+R

Step 6:
Give them a code and tell them to type it into the LogMeIn webpage, reassuring them that this would fix their computer

Step 7:
Start to get a little suspicious that the person you’ve called isn’t actually buying all of this as they’ve still not connected to LogMeIn, and are in fact asking questions about whether you really work for Microsoft and that doesn’t “inf” actually stand for “information” and not “infected”?

Step 8: Assert your authority
Loudly and repeatedly explain that you are smarter than the person you’ve called, and that they have no idea how hard it is to be Microsoft Certified. When this doesn’t work, move on to Step 9

Step 9: Go batshit crazy
Start calling the person you’ve called a c**t. When they point out that you seem to have diverged from the (otherwise very entertaining if technically inaccurate) script a bit, explain that they are both a c**t and a motherf***er.

Step 10:
Run out of ideas for swear words. Get your colleague on the phone to add some other swear words, and laugh that you will turn off their Internet.

Step 11: The big finish
Get the phone back from your colleague for one last shout. Hang up in disgust, making sure that you get the last word about turning off their Internet

From the call I had this afternoon, I’m assuming this must be Microsoft’s standard operating procedure.

I’m thinking of contacting Microsoft to complain about their employees calling me a c**t and to ask them to turn my Internet back on. I guess I’ll have to write them a letter.

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